Conversion story written by Lilith
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and everything is dark? You wait for your eyes to adjust but the darkness is all encompassing. You’re blind as you try and navigate your way through the room you thought you knew well, but in the darkness you’re stumbling and tripping. This is how I felt for several years: stuck in a perpetual darkness, and even though I had an inkling about what lay ahead I still stumbled and fell. I had tried many churches before, mostly Protestant. Baptist, Pentecostal, Presbyterian, yet I was still in the blackness searching for that flicker in the dark. The darkness seemed to consume me after my second medical leave from work. For 22 weeks I stayed home and contemplated if there was hope for me. Eventually those 22 weeks turned to 23 weeks when I admitted myself to Erlanger Behavioral Health for 10 days.
Returning to work after that stay left me feeling unfulfilled. A great chasm had split open my chest that couldn’t be satiated by work anymore. The joy I had for my job leaked from me and my body felt too heavy, too exhausted, and I too ceased to be bright. I had become the darkness itself. I felt as though everything moved on without me, and it had because that’s how change works. It waits for no one. But the Heavenly Father had a plan for me, a plan I believed to be in motion since my first medical leave in 2023. I first heard of the missionaries being in our store through a complaint, though what I observed was two young men doing their studies and not bothering a single patron. I couldn’t understand how merely existing in our store could be a negative. And I know quite a bit about how people can resent you for merely existing.
Several days later they were still there, still studying, still completely devoted. I mentioned off handedly to someone about wanting to talk to them and my fellow coworkers warned me away. But, there in the darkness was a pinprick of light. So I followed after it. I approached the missionaries, the Elders, with nothing but genuine curiosity and a want to be filled up again, to be bright. They immediately accepted me and offered me a copy of the Book of Mormon at my request. That pinprick of light expanded as I carried around that little blue book. But Heavenly Father wasn’t done with me just yet. There would still be trials and tribulations that would test my growing faith which was as delicate as a freshly bloomed flower cradled in your palms.
I followed up with the Elders on the phone and that was where I met Sister Gubbay. I was in awe of her, a young woman who had grown up steadfast in her faith unlike me who turned my back on the Godhead and acted in ways I now regret. We planned to have dinner at her house and I prayed that afternoon for a sign that I was going down the right path. I hadn’t talked to the Heavenly Father in some years so I was wary and unconvinced he would respond. But I was blessed in my sleep with the peaceful visage of a young lamb nestled among clouds in a clear blue sky. I woke up resolute in my decision. When I told Sister and Brother Gubbay and the Elders about my dream they were stricken by the imagery which seemed to be taken from the Bible itself, from the Parable of the Lamb. For a wonderful moment I felt lightness in my heart as the darkness receded little by little.
.
I confided in a few coworkers who were sincerely supportive of my decision to explore The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints unlike my family who was wary and disapproving. Despite that I attended my first service at our local ward. As I took my first Sacrament I felt light bloom all around me as the Holy Spirit touched my heart. I listened to the testimonies and was nearly brought to tears by the Brothers and Sisters speaking. Their testimonies were genuine and tenderhearted. I believe in that moment something changed fundamentally within me. I had been brought to a great precipice, not to blindly jump, but to watch the sky go aflame as the sun rose. The brightness was almost overwhelming after staggering around in the dark for so long.
That’s the thing about pain. Once it becomes all you know, it’s harder to heal because you fear falling all over again. At my first Relief Society meeting I was taught that when we stumble and fall we do not suffer alone, for Jesus Christ is with us through all things. That he’s merely refining us like silver, keeping a watchful eye over us and never leaving us to simply fend for ourselves. I met with the Elders to continue my lessons and each day as I learned more I felt my joy blossomed in the cavity in my chest and it slowly sealed itself shut. It’s a great blessing to me touched by the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
But the more I learned, the more I studied, the closer I came to my baptism the harder things became. I reminded myself daily that Jesus Chirst was with me even as I struggled to accept some of the teachings. The Law of Chastity being the main one. As someone who has been out as a lesbian for over a decade it was hard to embrace the idea of never dating again, of losing that type of companionship. But I forgot an important part of my religious journey: community. I wanted a village around me and I had found that in my Brothers and Sisters at church. Even more than that, I had the Heavenly Father, his son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.
I accepted then that even if I couldn’t date I would have people surrounding me who loved and cared about me and embraced me as I was. That was the gift of being a child of the Heavenly Father. Through this covenant I have found peace and purpose. I desire to be a help to queer adults who may be interested or curious about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints the same way I was. I wanted to be there to, not persuade them, but to offer my Testimony as proof that there is more for us if you manage to make it over that hurdle. It’s a tall one but it can be done. And if they decide they cannot make it over the hurdle that’s okay, because they will always have a friend in the church and they will always be loved by me and the Heavenly Father.
After many lessons from my Elders educating me on the Covenants, the Law of Chastity, and the Words of Wisdom, I was deemed ready for my baptism and the date was set. My baptism was something I avoided steadfastly growing up, never feeling good enough or worthy enough. But as I stood in the empty font while the Elders explained the steps of a baptism, I felt the Holy Spirit all around and I knew I was ready to take that crucial next step. I even invited my father, who was adamantly against the choice I was making. He took it in stride though, which I was grateful for the day of my baptism. I was baptised and received my confirmation on Easter Sunday, a day I will never forget. I started my day watching the sun burn off the morning mist from a lookout spot on a nearby mountain. It was a wonderful representation of what I would be doing later that day: rising anew.
At my baptism, I could feel the light all around me and I’m certain my small audience felt it as well. It was a powerful moment, it’s when I really felt my connection to the Godhead strengthen. As I was submerged under the water I was washed clean, and as I surfaced again I was confirmed by the church and reborn as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a Mormon. This is my Testimony. I believe in the Restoration of the church through the work of the prophet Joseph Smith. I believe in the atonement of Jesus Christ who died for our sins. I believe in the Heavenly Father’s plan for us and that it is rooted in compassion and love. As I was baptized —and with the help of the scripture, the Elders, and church service— I was made bright again. This is the truth and I say this is the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Barlows in TKM 