Tender Mercies in the TKM: Elder Rumsey

by Elder Rumsey

I hope that my words can express what I want to share about. This story is pretty personal to me. I want to share with all of you my conversion story.

I hope that as you read it that the Spirit will communicate with you. This will be long. I hope it’ll be worth the read.

This week several milestones happened for me in my missionary service and personal life. Tomorrow I will hit one year as a missionary. I cannot believe that it has gone this fast. I can say without a doubt that being a missionary has been the second best decision I have ever made in my life.

I want to say that serving my Savior, Jesus Christ has brought more joy into my life than anything I’ve ever done. I have made so many life long friends. Had so many life long memories. Seen so many miracles that I still am having a hard time wrapping my head around.

I want to make the most of my missionary experiance. I’m so glad that I have another year to be a representative of Jesus Christ.

The other milestone is that I hit 3 years sober on Feburary 23rd!

I hope that what I have to say next will inspire others to change through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

When I turned 18 years old, I decided to leave The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I decided by my own free will and choice to follow the ways of the world rather than the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The reason that I state that it was my own free will and choice is because, it was. Something that I have seen on my mission while talking to less active members is that they almost always put blame on other people for why they left the church.

Countless times I’ve heard it was because someone did something to them that they didn’t like. That the “rules” were to strict. That they don’t have time for it. The excuses are endless. The reason I make a point of this is because when I turned 18, as right as I thought I was for leaving, and as much as I thought my life would get better I was simply just wrong.

One of my favorite quotes of all time comes from Elder Lawrence Corbridge, he explains a truth that I wish everyone in the world could hear. He says:

People say ‘You should be true to your beliefs.’ While that is true, you cannot be better than what you know. Most of us act based on our beliefs, especially what we believe to be in our self-­interest. The problem is, we are sometimes wrong.

Someone may believe in God and that pornography is wrong and yet still click on a site wrongly believing that he will be happier if he does or he can’t help but not click or it isn’t hurting anyone else and it is not that bad. He is just wrong.

Someone may believe it is wrong to lie and yet lie on occasion, wrongly believing he will be better off if the truth is not known. He is just wrong.

Someone may believe and even know that Jesus is the Christ and still deny Him not once but three times because of the mistaken belief that he would be better off appeasing the crowd. Peter wasn’t evil. I am not even sure he was weak. He was just wrong.

When you act badly, you may think you are bad, when in truth you are usually mistaken. You are just wrong. The challenge is not so much closing the gap between our actions and our beliefs; rather, the challenge is closing the gap between our beliefs and the truth. That is the challenge.

Elder LawrenceE. Corbridge, “Stand Forever“, BYU Devotional, January 22, 2019

I will attempt to explain how I closed that gap through my testimony.

I can say without a doubt, when I decided to leave the church my life became nothing but a challenge. It was a constant flurry of indecicive behavior. I was CONSTANTLY changing my standards to what I felt right about. The problem with that is what Elder Corbridge is pointing out…what I felt to be right was simply just wrong.

I can testify to everyone who’s reading this that the objective truth about how we should live our lives is found within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

For me however, from the span of 18-22 I was so bitter and hard-hearted toward the Church, and I would never allow the Spirit to tell me otherwise. I was so terrified to be wrong because I had so much pride. If I was wrong, then in my mind it meant that I had to live a way that I didn’t want to live.

So I chose to continue to live my life in sin and to choose to do things that I felt was right as far as the worlds standards. I was trying to find out what was right from wrong through trial and error. I can promise that that is ALWAYS a bad idea.

These actions led me to a very dark place. I won’t share all the details because I don’t want to disrupt the Spirit. But I will explain the situaiton I found myself in.

At this time in the story I was 22 years old. Since I had been abusing my body through the use of substances, I was not very healthy at the time. At my lowest I was 135 pounds. As of right now I’m 180. I had the long hair and the skin and bone. If I would have had on raggy clothes I would have looked homeless.

I took a trip down to Utah to hang out with some friends. I planned on only being there for a few days, but that turned into about a week. While I was there, I was not making good decisions. I was partaking in things that I shouldn’t have been.

On the 7th or 8th day of this, my body had enough. I was mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally maxed out. I hit the lowest point in my life. I wasn’t able to sleep because of the intense anxiety attack that I had because of the crud I was doing to myself. My body was in full on panic mode. I couldn’t hold down food. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t function normally. It felt like my brain was in a blender. There was no rational thinking that I could perform. I have never felt the darkness that deeply in my life.

The best way I can really explain what I was feeling is to quote Alma 36:12-16:

“12 But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.

13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.

14 … and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.

15 Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds.

16 And now, for [24 hours] I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.”

The Book of Mormon, Alma 36:12-16

I truly can understand how Alma felt as he was in His state of agony. The only way I can explain what happened next is to quote the rest of the scripture:

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

The Book of Mormon, Alma 36:17-20

I can testify that the “marvelous light” that Alma beheld, I have beheld as well. I tesify that the light shines brightest when we are encompassed by the darkness.

I wish I could put into words how it felt to truly see the illuminating light of Jesus Christ light up my soul and my heart. In that moment, I made the conscious decision to come unto Christ. I chose as deliberatly as I did when I left Christ to come back to Christ.

What I am so grateful for is that Christ took me back. The instant that I knew I needed my Savior, He succored me. He helped me and I have truly felt His atoning grace. I felt Him both physically and spiritually change not only my mind, but also my heart. I wanted nothing else but to keep His commandments because I finally closed the gap that Elder Corbridge mentioned.

I finally understood that what I believed was simply put, wrong. What I was chosing to do was wrong. What I was chosing to believe was wrong.

In the midst of all of this I understood an eternal truth that came from the prophet Joseph Smith. His revelation of the Word of Wisdom was correct. It had to be.

If it wasn’t, then how could what I believed to be true end up putting me in a place that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy? The place that I put myself in was no where else but the “gall of bitterness” Alma mentions (Alma 36:18). I was in the chains of hell.

There is no way that eternal truth would EVER put me into that position. Because Jesus Christ is the embodiment of truth, all good things come from Christ. I can promise every single one of you that the place I was in was anything but good.

Through the grace of Jesus Christ I took up my bed that I was in and got the heck out of that house (John 5:8).

Thankfully I have an uncle named Jack who was living in that area. I am still indebted to him for rescuing me out of that horrible place. He let me stay at his house and lent me his comfy bed to rest in until my body and brain went back to normal. To my uncle Jack, I love you. Thank you so much for helping me three years ago. I don’t know what I would have done without you.

I want to testify and make it absolutley clear to everyone I that is reading this. That I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. It is as real and the ground you are standing on. I testify that without His Atonement I would not be here to write this email. I wouldn’t be the man I am today.

I am so grateful for Him. I can testify that no matter what your life is like, you can change it through His Atonement. He is waiting for you to simply ask to have His Atonement work in your life. He works according to our own understanding. He will help.

These things I testify, in his sacred and perfect name. Even Jesus Christ, Amen.

#TKMTenderMercies